Reasons Space Marines Make Terrible Boyfriends

I don’t think you could think of a more prolific hero of the modern age than the space marine. Every sci-fi game has them- Big, burly dudes in futuristic armor. They’re the picture of masculinity, after all. Even when they’re not genetically-enhanced super soldiers, just a simple spaceman with a gun portrays that even in the endless void of space, it’s still falls on classically masculine stereotypes to save the world.

However, like most things based off a code of masculinity, space marines make terrible partners. It’s not just forgetting to take out the space-dishes every now and again, we’re talking serious red flags here. So listen up, here’s a bunch of reasons to not date a space marine.

He’s Got Mommy Issues

In a lot of stories, space marines tend to be hyper-specialized roles. You can’t just put on a suit of power armor and pick up a big gun, you have to be raised into it. To do this, a lot of space marines tend to come from backgrounds that involve being abducted as children and indoctrinated into a program for it.

Of course, you could use this to talk about how the male fantasy is just looking for an excuse to behave poorly and still be called a hero. That’s an option. Or, you could instead ask why space marines have goddamn mommy issues.

Master Chief from Halo is a prime example of this. He goes four whole games with an AI based off the closest thing he’s got to a mother inside his head. And the moment she decides to do anything other than tell him how good mommy’s little soldierboy is he goes rogue trying to get her back.

Just how are you going to compete with that? Everyone talks about Master Chief being this cool guy who knows everything but he was ready to blow up the galaxy in Combat Evolved until mother dearest slapped his hand and said his orb friend was a bad influence.

How do you expect to have movie night when he’s constantly projecting the image of his mom-AI to watch with you? For as high tech as the MJOLNIR armor is, apparently it pales in comparison to the technical prowess of the Cybernetic Umbilical Cord (Mark IV).

Oh, and speaking of projection. Remember, Cortana isn’t ACTUALLY Chief’s mom, just a toaster made to look like her back in her spunky days where she based her look off of Monica from Friends. You can’t say you won’t date an otaku and then lust after the Master Chief without having a massive carbon-fiber brand of hypocrisy.

He’s Using Religion to Cover A Bad Personality

Unless you’re one yourself, nobody likes dating hyper-religious people. They date within their own kind. I’m sorry, but it’s a fact. Someone who believes that you *have* to tell sinners to repent just isn’t going to gel with someone who doesn’t think they’ve sinned.

And while there’s nothing inherently wrong with the book of Jimmy there are some people who use that religion to cover up some of their… less savory flaws. Like, are you sure it’s God that says women belong in the kitchen? Cus it sounds like that’s what *you’re* thinking. Oh, you’re going to yell about scripture now? Cool, I’m gonna stay over at my mother’s now. Bye.

Anyways, no one quite embodies this religious extremism like the Space Marines of Warhammer 40,000. I get it, The skeleton in the La-Z-Boy killed a dragon, or whatever.

The worst part about this is that these religious types love demanding you respect their religion, but never seem to respect your lack of it. No, honey, I don’t want to read the Codex Astartes with you. Look, I let you keep the creepy Servitor Cherubs, please don’t bring me to Space-Church again. You know I don’t like the way Battle Brother Andraste always comments on my lack of Power Armor.

Of course, let’s not forget the racism. They say it’s part of the religion, but I’m always left skeptical of this. Yes Honey, suffer not the Xenos to live. But did the God-Emperor also insist you have to yell it just because I spiced the beef stew with imported paprika?

Seriously. I don’t mean to generalize, but if he’s got a purity seal you’re better off deploying that one to the curb.

He’s Too Into His Hobbies

Sometimes, there’s nothing inherently *wrong* with a Space Marine. They can be sweet, love animals, all that jazz. Unfortunately, sometimes you just hit a wall and realize that as great as they are, you’ll just never fit in their lives.

Look at Doom Guy. He rips *and* tears. Anyone should be so lucky to date someone who does half of that. On top of that, he loves rabbits. Do you know how much rabbits poop? In the face of all the evils hell can conjure, Doom Guy still loves his rabbit.

And that’s kind of the problem, isn’t it? Doom Guy is very good at what he does. He’s been to hell so many times he got some sick aliens to make him a super suit that only makes him better at ripping and tearing. His schedule is going to be full of ripping and tearing for the forseeable future, but maybe he’ll send you a text or something if he’s not cleaning the rabbit cage.

Look, a guy can be perfect. But if he’s not making time for you, then that’s still a problem. Sure, you’ll tell yourself you’re not that kind of person who’s going to go “what’s more important, your hobbies or me?” but ultimately, you’ve got needs. And unless he’s gonna bring that BFG home you need to put yourself first and find someone who maybe only rips OR tears, but can at least make a free weekend for you when you’ve had a long week.

So, yeah. Don’t date Space Marines, guys. The maturity, sadly, just doesn’t scale with the pauldron size. I was going to suggest something like a JRPG protagonist instead, but I don’t think anyone can handle those levels of cherry boy.

I don’t know, have you considered getting like, a dog or something? I hear those things will love you no matter what.

Join Us!