Opinion: Elon Musk Needs To Stop Getting Owned, It’s Getting Sad

Look, anyone who’s played a multiplayer game knows what it’s like to be a loser. Even if you’ll never tell anyone about it, you’ve had those games where nothing you do seems right.

Elon Musk, the Nidhogg to Twitter’s Yggdrasil, is seemingly trapped in one of those spirals as we speak. In a desperate bid to prove he’s funny he “owned” the libs and Media Elite of Twitter by pretending his impending court order to buy the company was his own decision, complete with a sink that he wishes still smelled like his ex-wife.

Since buying Twitter his plan to improve the platform is looking a little too avant-garde for the rest of us to comprehend: He got rid of Twitter’s old verification system only to reinvent it three more times, as part of a service that already existed. That service, by the way, had its price readjusted because acclaimed author Stephen King called him out on it.

After that, he’s proceeded to tweet what I can only assume was words he briefly glimpsed off of employee papers while fondly contemplating how many horses he had in this month’s monthly budget. One employee who rightly called out the fake inventor’s BS was promptly fired for daring make Musk look like, well, an idiot.

His attempts to take credit for something have an effect on us regular users too- in his made-up attempts tor reduce load times he’s somehow broken Two-Factor Authentication. For someone whining about bots a couple months ago he seems about as interested in actually keeping Twitter secure as I am in keeping my New Year’s Resolutions to eat healthier.

Stop Getting Bustered

As with all things in life, this reminds me of a Guilty Gear tournament I entered in last year. In it, I fought a Potemkin. For those of you who don’t know, Potemkin is a funny little Guilty Gear character, being able to do some of the biggest single-hit damage in the game via his special moves Heat Knuckle and Potemkin Buster, as well as his super move Heavenly Potemkin Buster. Despite not ranking high on any tierlist, it’s a common trait of newer players to see him 4-shot a player on Twitter and assume he’s the most broken character in the game.

As a result, the Potemkin Buster in particular has gained a meta effect, one that can’t be nerfed out- it does psychological damage to every other player in the tournament watching the Potemkin player. My opponent made great use of this- their debut on-stream game was a veritable gallery of different situations you didn’t think a Potemkin Buster could be slotted in, and there it was.

Why do I bring this up? Because the worst Potemkin matches look an awful lot like what Mr Musk is doing right now. At the end of the day Potemkin is a guessing character. Guess wrong and you eat a Buster. Guess real wrong and Potemkin flies off into the stratosphere with you, calling deities to bear witness to his Heavenly Buster.

Elon Musk seems like the kind of person who’s expertly advised to make the worst decision at every possible junction, having now reportedly broken two-factor authentication in a desperate bid to not seem owned. His attempt to monetize verification only to create actual security hazards and bleed big companies out of share prices reads an awful lot like that time I tried to jump Garuda Impact only to be blown through the wall by Heat Knuckle.

Look, buddy, just quit. No one likes a CEO who’s “In the trenches” anyways. Whatever little Twitter employees that still work there probably see an idiot with a midlife crisis breathing down their necks as a nuisance on their average day, even worse so when he’s worth billion of dollars and prone to firing people in a temper tantrum.

Even Potemkin players get bored of a player who keeps jumping and eating every special move, especially if they get back up, hit rematch only to do nothing different. This isn’t some genius display of a scrappiness worthy of a billion dollars, it’s just a miserable cry for help from someone who never got over the fact that he got owned by the Hard Drive of all places.

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